


So Parker’s a Stripper...

by VaguelyAnnoyedWriter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Flash Thompson Being A Jerk, Gen, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Needs a Break, Stripper Peter Parker, Texting, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Is Not Helping, but not really, chat fic, group chats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-02-23 12:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23711824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VaguelyAnnoyedWriter/pseuds/VaguelyAnnoyedWriter
Summary: The Academic Decathlon tries to figure out Peter’s secret. They come to the wrong assumption...
Relationships: Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Academic Decathlon Team (Spider-Man: Homecoming), Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 117
Kudos: 833





	1. Chapter 1

**MJ created a group chat.** ****

**MJ added Ned Leeds, Betty Brant, Flash Thompson, Abe Brown, and Cindy Moon.  
**

**MJ named the group chat, Parker is Shady AF.**

**MJ:** Share your findings here, nerds.

**Ned Leeds changed their name to Ned.**

**Ned:** Don’t act like your better than us.

**MJ:** You’re*

**Ned:**

****

**Betty Brant changed their name to Wanna Bet(ty).**

**Wanna Bet(ty):** What’s so shady about Peter?

**MJ:** He literally disappears at random times with the dumbest excuses.

**Flash Thompson:** yeah penis is pretty dumb

**Flash Thompson changed their name to Fastest Man Alive.**

**MJ:** I will not hesitate to kill you Eugene.

**Ned:** Peter has doctor appointments.

**MJ:** Ned stop covering for him. 

**Abe Brown changed his name to Abraham Lincoln.**

**Abraham Lincoln:** So hear me out, I think he’s a stripper.

**Cindy Moon:** wtf 

**Wanna Bet(ty):**

****

**Abraham Lincoln is typing...**

**Abraham Lincoln:** I saw him changing in the locker room, and he has abs of freaking steel. What do you need upper body strength for? Stripping.

**Fastest Man Alive:** that’s gay lol

**MJ:** Parker is too shy to be a stripper.

**Cindy Moon:** Some people put on different personalities when they work, though.

**Wanna Bet(ty) is typing...**

**Wanna Bet(ty):** It would make sense, last year Peter would never have cash on him, but yesterday I saw him pull out a wad of cash.

**Ned:** That’s from the internship!

**MJ:** I thought internships are unpaid. 

**Cindy Moon:** ^

**Wanna Bet(ty):** ^

**Abraham Lincoln:** ^

**MJ:** So Parker is a stripper.

**Ned:** He’s really not.

**MJ named the group chat, Parker’s a Stripper.**

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Should we tell someone?

**Cindy Moon:** We don’t want to overwhelm him, maybe he’ll come to us for help.

**Ned:** Guys, he’s not a stripper!

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Then what else would he be doing?

**Ned is typing…**

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Well?

**Ned left.**

**Abraham Lincoln:** hjdffcnehsusbcjskwk

**Wanna Bet(ty):** That confirms it, Peters a Stripper and Ned is covering for him.

**Fastest Man Alive:** damn he really do be making that hard cash

**2 Bros chilling in a hot tub, 5 feet apart because they’re not gay.**

**Bro 1:** Peter, I’m so sorry I panicked.

**Bro 2:** Ned, what are you talking about?

**Bro 1:** Everybody thinks you’re a stripper.

**Bro 2:** WHat

**Bro 2 is calling Bro 1…**

**Call answered...**

“Ned, why does everyone think I’m a stripper?”

“Ned?”

“Wellmjcreatedagroupchatbecauseyoualwaysdisappearbecauseofspidermanandabemetionedthatyourerippedandonethingledtoanotherandnoweveryonethinksyoureastripper.”  
  


“ Repeat that more slowly for me?”

“Well MJ created a group chat because you always disappear and then Abe mentioned that you’re ripped and one thing led to another and now everyone thinks you're a stripper.”

“Is that why Betty sent me a text with a “How to Reach out to Loved ones” pamphlet attached?”

“Probably”

**Bro 2 has ended the call…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s so much worse.

**You’re my mentor! Boogie Woogie Woogie**

**Spiderling:** Mr.Stark, we have a problem.

**Mr.Stank:** Were you shot, stabbed, or impaled by a pencil because you fell asleep while doing homework?

**Spiderling:** It was one time, OKAY?!?!?

**Mr. Stank:** How it even managed to happen once is the real question.

**Spiderling:** MOVING ON, My classmates think I’m a stripper.

**Mr.Stank:** I’m sorry, what?

**Spiderling:**

**Spiderling:** Their thought process was Abs + Sudden influx of money = Stripper 

**Mr.Stank:** Don’t you go to a school for the gifted?

**Spiderling:** You don’t need common sense to be smart.

**Mr.Stank:** …

**Mr.Stank:** I have a plan.

**Spiderling:** What is it?

**Mr.Stank:** It would be better if you didn’t know it.

**Spiderling:** No, I don’t think it would.

**Spiderling:** Mr. Stark?

**Spiderling:** MR.STARK

**Midtown Highschool - 3:20 PM**

Peter and Ned exited the school with the normal swarm of students. Peter noticed a crowd of students forming near the parking lot. As he and Ned approached the crowd he could hear the excited clamoring of the highschool students around him.

“Hey, kid! Over here!” 

Peter head jerked in the direction of the voice. It was coming from the crowd. One singular thought surfaced in Peter's head, ‘He wouldn’t’. 

When Peter looked over the crowd of students he saw what he feared most, Tony ‘I-Don't-Need-To-Tell-You-The-Plan’ Stark. He was lounging in the front seat of an expensive looking convertible wearing his signature sunglasses. Peter could feel his soul leaving his body.

“Underoos, I know you heard me. Don’t ignore me!”

Peter ignored him and grabbed Ned, fully intending to walk home instead of going with the deranged superhero who was only a few feet away.

“Nu-uh-uh, Peter Benjamin Parker get your ass back here.”

Peter sighed as the crowd of students slowly turned to look at him with a mixture of confusion and curiosity. He released his hold on Ned and walked through the crowd with a look of defeat. 

Tony smiled and waved at Peter unaware of the glare being sent his way. Peter could hear his words coming back to haunt him. _You don’t need common sense to be smart._

Peter opened the car door and hopped in. Tony smiled at him with a certain smugness as they drove away.

“See, I told you it would be fine.”

Peter was about to answer but his phone buzzed. He opened the lock screen and gazed down at the message from Ned.

**2 Bros chilling in a hot tub, 5 feet apart because they’re not gay.**

**Bro 1:** Good news: No one thinks you’re a stripper any more. Bad news: They think you're a prostitute

“It is not fine, Mr.Stark.”

“In fact it is the furthest thing from fine.”  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explanation of last chapter... it’s short so expect another chapter up soon.

**Parker’s a Stripper.**

**Abraham Lincoln:** Wtf just happened…

**Cindy Moon:** I think Tony Stark just picked up Peter Parker...

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Flash is having an Aneurysm.

**MJ:** I got a good sketch of it. I’ll send a pic of the finished product later.

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Nice

**Cindy Moon:** ^

**Abraham Lincoln:** ^

**Fastest Man Alive:** I’m gonna ignore that.

**Fastest Man Alive:** Also if Peter is a stripper, why would Tony Stark be picking him up?

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Oh shit, u rite.

**Abraham Lincoln: 👁👄👁**

**Cindy Moon:** What if our earlier theory was correct.

**Abraham Lincoln:** That Peter was a male escort?

**Cindy Moon:** Yes.

**Fastest Man Alive:** I refuse to believe that Peter fucking Parker is giving dick to Tony Stark. Besides it’s Tony Stark, isn’t he like a superhero?

**Abraham Lincoln:** He used to get around a lot tho.

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Never took him as a pedo.

**Ned:** How. Many. Times. Must. I. Tell. You. It. Is. A. Fucking. Internship.

**Abraham Lincoln:** Denied

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Idk, babe.

**Ned:** Betty, please just take my word for this. I am begging you.

**Wanna Bet(ty):**...

**MJ:** lol

**MJ named the group chat, Parker’s a Male Escort.**

**Ned:** He’s Not!

**Abraham Lincoln:** He obviously is, dude.

**Wanna Bet(ty):** ^

**MJ:** ^

**Cindy Moon:** ^


	4. Nope, Nopity, Nope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even more assumptions are made...

“What do you mean it's not fine? I fixed it.” Tony said while raising his eyebrows, still keeping his eyes fixed on the road.

“Making them think I’m a prostitute is not fixing it!” Peter yelled while gripping his phone in one hand.

“What the hell would make them think you’re a prostitute!” 

“I don’t know Mr. Stark, maybe what did it was you picking me up in a fucking Porsche!” 

“Language!” Tony chastised.

“That is what you’re choosing to focus on? Really?” Peter moaned, sliding down in his seat. 

“Shit kid, you’re grumpy today.” Tony said while turning into the street corner of Peter’s apartment complex.

“Why do you get to swear?” Peter accused.

“Because I’m an adult.” Tony snarked back, while parking the car.

“Barely…”

Tony smacked Peter's leg playfully. Peter’s face morphed into one of pure betrayal.

“That’s it I’m reporting you to CPS!” Peter screeched, stepping out of the car and running to the door.

“I thought you said you aren’t a child” Tony called back, but Peter was already through the door.

**2 Bros chilling in a hot tub, 5 feet apart because they’re not gay.**

**Bro 1:** Ned, I need you to add me to the group chat.

**Bro 2:** The one that’s about you being a prostitute?

**Bro 1:** Yes, the one about me being a prostitute.

**Bro 2:** Are you sure that’s a good idea?

**Bro 1:**

**  
  
**

**Bro 2:** Jeez, fine…

**Parker’s a Male Escort**

**Ned added Peter Parker.**

**Peter Parker changed their name to Pete’s Sake.**

**Pete’s Sake:** Listen up everyone I need to clear things up.

**Pete’s Sake:** I am not _any_ of the following things: a stripper, prostitute, male escort, sex worker, or anything related to it.

**Pete’s Sake:** What I am is Tony Stark’s intern. 

**Pete’s Sake:** I do NOT have sex with a Tony Stark. Honestly I’m disappointed with all of you for making that assumption. Like really WTF.

**Pete’s Sake:** The reason I have more money is because the internship is paid.

**Pete’s Sake:** I have abs because I like working out. Honestly, why is it so shocking that I’m fit?

**Pete’s Sake:** Anyways I’m glad I was able to clear that up. Goodbye.

**Pete’s Sake left.**

**Fastest Man Alive:** oh shit.

**Wanna Bet(ty):** I- 

**Abraham Lincoln:** Peter really popped off.

**MJ:** He’s still hiding something, I can feel it…

**Cindy Moon:** Hear me out, okay?

**Wanna Bet(ty):**?

**Cindy Moon:** What if Peter is Tony Stark’s son?

**Abraham Lincoln:**

**Wanna Bet(ty):** Peter’s intellect finally would make sense! Not to mention they kinda look alike.

**Fastest Man Alive:** Nope, Nopity, Nope. I refuse to believe that Peter Parker shares genes with Tony Stark. It is time to draw a line in the fucking sand.

**MJ:** Actually that makes a lot of sense.

**MJ named the group chat, Parker’s a Stark**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flash is slowly becoming the only one with common sense.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parker Luck Strikes again...

**2 Bros chilling in a hot tub, 5 feet apart because they’re not gay.**

**Bro 2:** Hey, do you know how you always mention your bad luck?

**Bro 1:** Yeah?

**Bro 2:** Well, it has struck again.

**Bro 1:** I swear to GOD, do not tell me this is about the chat room!

**Bro 1:** Or Spider-Man might commit arson. 

**Bro 2:** I could tell you it’s not about the chat room…

**Bro 2:**

****

**Bro 2:** Also please don’t commit arson!

**Bro 1:** What. Happened.

**Bro 2:** They believe you're Tony Stark's kid. 

**Bro 2:** Like biologically, but you are basically his kid anyway so…

**Bro 1:** Ned, he’s not my father.

**Bro 2:** Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

**Bro 1:** DO NOT BRING STAR WARS INTO THIS!

**Bro 2:** I CAN BRING STAR WARS INTO WHATEVER I WANT!

**Bro 1:** Don’t make me say it, Ned…

**Bro 2:** Say it, Peter… Do it.

**Bro 1:** Star Trek is better.

**Bro 2:**

****

**You’re my mentor! Boogie Woogie Woogie**

**Spiderling:** Can you try not to be emotionally constipated for what I’m about to say.

**Mr.Stank:** I will make no promises, kid. 

**Spiderling:** I tried to tell everyone that I’m not a prostitute.

**Mr.Stank:** As non-prostitutes would do.

**Spiderling:** And I made it worse.

**Mr.Stank:** How, literally how could it be worse than being a prostitute?

**Spiderling:** They think I’m your son.

**Mr.Stank:** First of all, Ouch.

**Mr.Stank:** Second of all, I need to go.

**Spiderling:** Mr. Stark?

**Spiderling:** Well that went as well as expected…

**MIT Bromance**

**Metal-Man:** Rhodes I need advice…

**Honey Bear:** About what?

**Metal-Man:** Parker 

**Honey Bear:** Who?

**Metal-Man:** Spider-Man, My intern?

**Honey Bear:** Lol. You mean your kid?

**Metal-Man:** He’s not mine.

**Honey Bear:** Not biologically, but emotionally.

**Metal-Man:** Nevermind, you just answered my question.

**Honey Bear:** Awww, finally coming to terms with the kid?

**Metal-Man:** Is it that obvious?

**Honey Bear:** Yes. 


	6. The conclusion

**You’re my mentor! Boogie Woogie Woogie**

**Mr.Stank:** Kid, I’m back.

**Spiderling:** Why did you leave! We have to fix this…

**Mr.Stank:** Should we? 

**Spiderling:** What.

**Mr.Stank:** Every time we have tried to fix this it only gets worse.

**Spiderling:** But I’m not your son...

**Mr.Stank:** No you are not, but you are my kid.

**Spiderling:** That makes absolutely no sense.

**Mr.Stank:** You aren’t my son but you are my kid.

**Spiderling:** That still makes no sense.

**Mr.Stank:** Kid, I’m putting my heart out here.

**Spiderling:** I feel like this isn’t a conversation to be had over text…

**Mr.Stank:** Nah, I feel less emotionally compromised over text.

**Mr.Stank:** What I’m trying to say is that I care about you and I view you as family.

**Spiderling:  
** **  
  
**

**Spiderling:** You’re my family too, Mr.Stark!

**Mr.Stank:** Call me Tony, kid.

**Spiderling:** Okay, Mr.Stark.

**Mr.Stank:** …

**Mr.Stank:** I’ll pick you up from the decathlon tomorrow, kid…

**Spiderling:** :)

**Midtown Highschool - 4:10 PM**

Peter, Ned, and MJ walked side by side out of Midtown. Behind them followed Cindy, Abe, Betty and Flash who were idly chatting about homework. They had all just finished decathlon practice and were waiting for their rides to come and pick them up. 

Then a red convertible Porsche pulled up and parked in front of the highschoolers. Inside the front seat was Tony Stark. 

Peter turned to his friends with a smirk.

“Gotta go my dad is here!”

Peter hopped in the front seat signaled Tony to floor it. In their dust was left 5 dumbfounded teens and Ned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really just wanted Tony and Peter to troll his classmates. Lol
> 
> This is the last chapter of this work! I so happy that I was able to write this and read all of your comments! I plan on writing another multi-chapter fic soon!


End file.
